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4/21/04
Achey breaky albums

I don't think it's a secret that the only reason I ever started this Web site was to fulfill my dream to one day be a country and/or western music superstar.

Who wouldn't want that? You get to wear big hats, let your voice go up and down a bunch of registers in wounded hitches and talk shit about countries we're at war with. I can think of no greater vocation in life than to be the next, uh... who's that one country singer? Dwight Twiddy? Garth McGraw? Anyway, I want to be like that guy. I bet he gets all the pretty horses.

Thing is, I can't really sing country yet. Or play a guitar. Or dress like that. But my dream remains, like a faraway, shadowy naked man down the road. You know he's there, somewhere in the distance, and like destiny, you know you're going to meet him one way or the other.

So instead of learning music or composing lyrics, I figured I'd at least come up with album titles. That's the hardest part, I think. Coming up with a theme that'll sell in the crowded marketplace for down-home music. I haven't done any album concept art yet, but here are my titles. I dare you to tell me you wouldn't rush out to Wal-Mart and buy any one of these albums:

Me 'n Connie Sellecca

Chaps (But Not the British Kind)

From Kissin' Her, My Lips Are Hurtin'

Some Gave Bubkis

Purty Fella

Cowpokes & Chamomille

Cactass

Filthy Dirty

Now, Here's the Shitkicker...

Not My Horse

O, Brother, Why You Illin'?

Honkytonk Buffet

Whose Bandana is She Wearin' Now?

Shitcow!

My Boot, the Taliban's Ass

The River Done Dried Up and Left

The Legend of Cargo Pants McGill

Jesus' Saddle's Got Wings

Screw you, Nashville Star. I don't need your help to become the savior of C&W.

Hey, look at this! Stuff to buy! Haaawwwt-Damn!

Clip Art Corner

"Are you 'Black Pearl?' No? Then get away! Now! Hurry! And don't look at my briefcase!"