4/05/02
Anatomy
of an Argument...
(In the bedroom)
She: (Expression of undying affection.)
He: (Concurrence on the matter of the undying affection. Display of said affection.)
She: (Discourse on happiness that relationship has lasted through various ups and downs.)
He: (Cautious acknowledgments of ups and downs with special emphases on "ups.")
She: (Comments on happiness that relationship has lasted given shady incidents from start of relationship.)
He: (Even more cautious acknowledgment of "shady" beginnings and quick attempt to change the subject to the matter of mate's comeliness.)
She: (Offhanded swiping away of compliment with return to the subject of the origins of the relationship. Question about incidents that occurred at beginning of relationship which nearly caused early breakup. Account of the incidents: He's assertion that those who cut sandwiches diagonally must have something wrong with them. Recounting of long-ago revelation that She cuts them diagonally and clearly there is nothing wrong with self.)
He: (Failure to clearly remember incidents in question, given what a damn long time ago it was.)
She: (Restatement of long-burning question about never-fully-resolved incidents. Why does mate hate diagonally cut sandwich? Why does mate hate those who engage in diagonal-cutting practices? What's up with the hate?)
He: (Continued amnesia. Good-natured attempt to change the subject to something less combustible, such as religion or abortion.)
She: (Heated restatement of question with added beginnings of anger over mate's refusal to answer questions about long-ago sandwich-cutting argument.)
He: (Genuine surprise that matter is coming up again after all this time, and a dab of annoyance that it's even a big deal anymore.)
She: (Anger that mate considers subject at hand "not a big deal." Crossing of arms.)
He: (Build-up of annoyance over feeling of being on trial far past statute of limitations for what is, essentially, a debate about sandwiches. Sarcastic remark to that effect.)
She: (Anger over sarcastic remark.)
He: (Refusal to take back sarcastic remark. Revelation that at one time, mate's secret nickname was, "Crusty the Cutter.")
Only you (and your mate) can prevent silly arguments..She: (Cold War-like escalation of sarcastic remarks, with an emphasis on mate's general sneaky/sliminess and outrage over secret nickname.)
He: (Raised voice in defense of reputation; refutement of any sneaky/slimy implications.
She: (Expression of astonishment that relationship has lasted at all, given mate's continued assholishness and intolerance for nontraditional bread cutting methods.)
He: (Completely separate incident brought up in which mate acted in an at-least-ballpark egregious manner toward self. Defense over methods of tying [or lack of tying] bread loaf package Twisty-Ties.)
She: (Disbelief that completely separate incident has been brought up given that that incident [RE: the Twisty Ties] was resolved long ago, unlike the one being discussed.)
He: (Assertion that the incidents are practically identical twins and could star in DoubleMint commercials together.)
She: (Tiffed commentary on mate's ill attempt at humor.)
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Clip
Art Corner
Margie sometimes wondered, in her naughtier moments, how it was that she got paid to do this most delectable of jobs.