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Damned and dirty...

Saturday night. After hanging out and drinking with some friends, I get home and get on the old IM. And there's Heather.

She saw the trailer for Planet of the Apes, and when we discussed it we realized that world-dominating apes of the future have a pretty busy life. But obviously, they've managed to get it together in the organization department, even without Dayrunners and Palm Pilots. how? By keeping meticulous To Do Lists:

Omar: Planet of the Apes to do list: 1. Exterminate humans. 2. Declare martial law. 3. Throw feces 4. Build catapult for next evolutionary stage of feces throwing.

Heather: 5. Invent wheel.

Omar: 6. Return 'hooked on phonics' tapes.

Heather: 7. invent stand-up comedy. "And women —WHAT is WITH the way their feces splatter? Am i RIGHT?"

Omar: 8. Re-invent wheel: This time, try 'round' shape.

Heather: 9. make marky mark wear a loincloth, despite his loud protests. then, 10. shrink the loincloth and repeat.

Omar: 11. Banana break.

Heather: 12. Drop banana peel in boss' path, watch hilarity ensue

Hot monkey love.

It went on like this forever. Hours. Here are the rest:


13. Poke lazy humans with stick through cage bars.

14. Write angry letter to Epilady.

15. Invent 'sweet rack.' Invent concept of objectification of 'sweet rack' in lingerie ads and on (soon-to-be-invented) 'television.'

16. Tell Victoria something, and make her promise not to tell anyone else, ever.

17. Banana break.

18. The "other" banana break, nudge nudge

19. Organize human skull collection

20. Figure out what happens if you SQUARE m before multiplying it by c.

21. Figure out what protruding green statue does.

22. is that banana bread i smell?

23. Tape one thing -- but watch something else!!

24. Figure out what giant black monolith does. Throw bone at it?

25. Consider not putting X in the center square.

26. Ignore nagging sense that life is pointless. Whip puny humans until feeling passes.

27. Banana break.

28. Taking into account wind speed, weather forecast, water temperature and latest "InStyle Magazine," compute Meaning of Life; throw out all calculations when answer reached is, "42."

29. Haircut.

30. Invent razor that uses unique four-blade system to make even the hairiest ass silky-smooth.

31. Howl in triumph as weak humans are crushed beneath iron boots of ape supremacy. Remember to invent 'boots' first.

32. Make dentist appt!!

33. Secret rendezvous with red-assed orangutan. Exit through window before Dr. Zeus gets home.

34. Whip self for having impure thoughts about that limber gazelle from the east side.

35. Take potassium insulin.

36. Ascertain the source of these strange feelings inside and the pus-filled bumps on my face.

37. Slap obnoxious humans in the face with enormous, ape cock.

38. Afterward, laugh when Pamela Anderson suddenly starts showing up at my door.

39. Take out trash (P.A. included).

40. Put on House of Pain's "Jump Around." Proceed to Jump Around.

41. Put the kettle on.

42. Send out thank you notes for gifts from Banana Birthday Bash.

43. Yank banana peel -- the one from the Pamela Anderson sexcapade -- from trash and sell on eBay.

44. DIsinfect hands.

45. Air out house. Sweep for fur.

46. Script magnificent essay detailing the average monkey's struggle for relevance in a material world run by power-hungry primates; realize you just discovered "toilet paper."

47. Find man who raped and murdered wife. No, wait. That's "Memento."

48. Out of loneliness, fashion inflatable ape girlfriend and christen her "leelee sobieski"; pop her immediately.

49. Pick up amusing human skin costume for masquerade ball.

50. Spike Dian Fossey's protein-shake with Ex-Lax.

Omar: heh.... okay, that's 50... I gotta go to bed.

Heather: Heh!!! Okay, good night.

Omar: Are you as easily amused as me? Because that just cracked my shit up.

Heather: Are you kidding? We got to 50. We fucking rule. We bitch-slapped the kings of comedy

Heather: Yeah, Kings of Comedy, eat your fucking hearts out!

Omar: no, wait, that's 51!

Heather: 51?!?

Omar: 51. Eat your fucking hearts out.

Heather: Damn right. One to grow on.

Omar: 51. Spank that ass.

Heather: 52. back that ass up.




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"Remember how I used to say 'DY-NO-MITE!' before we blew up a building? I'm starting to agree with you now. It's really not that funny."

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