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06/04/01 (continued)
Charlton Heston be damned...


Omar: 53. Shake that ass! Show the apes what you're working with!

Heather: 54. Let the dogs out. Blame the missus.

Omar: 55. Welcome Chris Kattan back into the tribe.

56. Polish Dad's Oscar for Project X.


57. Make large footsteps in backwoods where yokels live. Sign it, "Sasquatch."

58. Cut big circles into deserted field; make prank call to FBI about a UFO sighting.

59. Repeat daily affirmation: "I am NOT a damn, dirty ape."

60. Out of cranberry juice, so in soylent green recipe, substitute blood from that corpse in the yard.

61. Spider monkey in-laws over for dinner.

62. Learn the hard way that fire and tequila-body-massages don't mix.

63. Next step in evolutionary chain: Polygamy.

64. Finally fill the Egyptians' mail order for a Really Big Crane.

65. Ironically use the word "ape" as a verb. Watch it go right over the heads of those stinking humans.

66. Shave russell crowe so he can continue the sick pretense.

67. Shopping. Dapper Dan pomade.

68. Raise my hand, if I'm sure.

69. Find Missing Link. Kick his ass.

70. Invent sophisticated networking system to connect the world through advanced machines called "computers"; shut it down when the world refuses to pay for ape porn

71. Pick bugs off mate. Save for afternoon snack.

72. Banana break.

73. Spit out Banana and splurge on fast-food feast of fried banana and the McNana Burger with Yellow sauce.

74. Attempt to prove existence of sophisticated ancient human society. Give up after evidence of "boy band" phenomenon surfaces.

75. Don wings, audition for part in stage-show of "Wizard of Oz."

76. Finish writing personal ad. Follow through this time!

77. Realize no one will publish fifth translation, "The Gospel According to Peepers"; stop work immediately.

78. Study humans in their natural environment. Learn to live among them, analyzing their bizarre group behavior. Publish findings.

79. Time for a manicure.

80. Put in request for transfer from The Forbidden Zone to The Party Zone.

81. Throw out rug after startling recollection of that night Weebs drank from the septic tank.

82. Call agent about Samsonite ad audition.

83. Cram friends into barrel, realize famous cliche is crap.

84. Koko booty call.

85. Monkey around.

86. Return "Seven Habits of Highly Effective Human-Beating Apes" to library.

87. And check out Dante's "Inferno," "TO Kill a Mockingbird" and past month's copies of "Nun's Life."

88. Clean out storm drains.

89. Go meet Marmalade down at old Moulin Rouge.

90. Atttempt to build civilization from ashes of nuclear holocaust. Decide, instead, to go trout fishing for the day.

91. Spin the dreidel.

92. Climb tree for old time's sake.

93. Extract splinters; recall why old times are, indeed, old.

94. Finalize trade agreement with cheetas.

95. Have torrid affair with shrubbery; create race of future presidents.

96. Promote 'hirsute' as hot fashion concept.

97. unearth document proving relation to Alec Baldwin .

98. Decide that musty smell is coming from something else. Not me, no siree.

99. Take break. Have earned one.

100. Learn sign language for "Death to all humans!!!"

Heather: :-D

Omar: Okay. 100. We made it. Dear lord... sleep...

Heather: YES. Night time.

Omar: g'night. you rock.


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