I've been lucky enough to be friends with Heather for nearly four years, in which time she has never failed to bring The Funny and to crack my shit up.

I struggled to find something funny about Tender Vittles, which I think are just funny in general. I knew exactly who to go to.

 

Omar: Are you in Funny Mode?

Heather: I hope so.

Omar: Things more tender than Tender Vittles:

Heather: Aw. ;-) Got any so far?

Omar: Uhhh... Vincent D'Onofrio's scrotum?

Heather: Hmmm. interesting choice. Let's see... Dear God, now I'm picturing Vincent D'Onofrio's nuts.

Omar: Join the club. The Scrot Club. Or is that "Scrøt?"

Heather: If it's not, it should be. So why Tender Vittles? I mean... I know that the answer is why NOT Tender Vittles, but still. Maybe you should write an entry on 10 better ways to use the phrsae, "tender vittles." "When I ride a bike, it hurts my tender vittles."

Omar: "I had my tender vittles removed, but still, they didn't get all of the cancer."

Heather: "All I know is, I woke up the next morning, and my tender vittles were in a jar next to the bed.

Omar: "We went out for some tender vittles, but the restaurant was closed, and we ended up eating cheeseburgers at Burger King."

Heather: "Nothing's hotter than a woman with tender vittles."

Heather: "I brought my husband some Viagra to cure his tender vittles." or "That guy's a lousy lay. It's hard to ride tender vittles, if you know what I mean.

Omar: "The cop got busted for police brutality. They beat the guy until his brains were nothing but tender vittles."

Omar: "They found the boy inside the sausage factory grinder. A boy went in. What came out? Some tender-ass vittles."

Heather: "Nurse, pass me a scalpel. We need to drain her tender vittles."

Omar: "Her vittles are tenderizing as we speak! Suction! Stat!"

Omar: "I was all up in her tender vittles, and I searched for hours, but it was no use. Couldn't find the clitoris."

Heather: "... and once the vittles are tender, it's safe to pluck them."

Heather: "It's considered polite to groom one's tender vittles at least once a week."

Mmm mmm tender.

Omar: "Man has yet ot unlock the mystery of the sperm whale's tender vittles. But one thing is clear: They are really, really big."

Heather: "And for an extra $20, the masseuse will work your tender vittles."

Omar: "Jacque brought the customer the pureéd tender vittles in a crystal goblet, but the man protested. 'I ordered Fancy Feast,' he said."

Heather: "Waiter? There's tender vittles in my soup."

Omar: "Police are investigating the disappearance of the man's tender vittles. 'We don't just suspect foul play,' Sargeant Cooper said, 'we think it's downright nasty play."

Heather: "In Korea, they eat tender vittles raw."

Heather: "Before stuffing it, remove the turkey's tender vittles for gravy-making."

Omar: "The boy held his blue ribbon high and proud. He had raised the best steer in the county, with the most tender of vittles."

Omar: "Vittles in mirror may be tenderer than they appear."

Heather: "Side effects include nausea, migraines and tender vittles."

Omar: "Although everybody wants to have tender vittles, more than a handful is really just a waste."

Omar: "She walked into the office, and no one could take their eyes off her. She had tender vittles from here to Montana." God, tender vittles are funny. I knew there was a vein of humor to be tapped in there somewhere.

Heather: It's like magic.

Omar: Tender, vittly magic.

 

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Two things:

Pamie is back, with what I'm hoping is something like a Charles Bronson-in-Death Wish-style vengeance. Go visit with her and catch up.

Also, two things I wrote for the paper: A review from last week of Mr. Deeds and a write-up about The Royal Tenenbaums Criterion DVD. And don't go writing to me about how much you loved the movie and how I wrong I am, either. I liked it, too. Sorta.

Oh, and Anna Beth, she who was gone for a long spell and has just recently returned, had me guest star on her journal. Any resemblance to today's entry here is purely coincidental. (Sorta.) She blames her extended hiatus on some "Moveable Type" crap, but I know her secret: She wasn't updating because she was getting her limbs stretched out by some informercial lady who promised she could get her up to 5'6". That precluded any typing using actual arms or hands.