Hey, look at this! Stuff to buy! Haaawwwt-Damn!
So, not to be gross of anything, but today's entry is about a sexual thing and if you're not good with reading stuff like that on the Internet (or if your kids are within 20 feet), you might want to come back later or just wait for the next entry in a day or two.
About a month ago, my friend Heather and I were instant messaging each other and while we were doing that, I was hunting around for sites to write about. Somebody had e-mailed me a link to a site for something called Spankie.
Spankie (and I won't dignify this with any more links than I have to) is this device that for men... well, it takes the place that was traditionally taken by the sock when a guy is, well... helping himself to some quality alone time. Except, I never understood the sock thing to begin with. Why a sock? Who uses a sock? Is there some thrill to ruining some tube socks? Because I don't get the sock thing to begin with, I really don't get buying a device that takes the place of a sock and is rewashable (as if socks aren't already). Again, I just don't get the sock thing. If I did that, I would always walk with a limp because every time I took a step, I would remember the times the sock and I shared together and wouldn't want to step down too hard on that foot.
When I first saw this site, I had to tell Heather and we had a jolly old time talking about it:
Omar: Oh my god... www.spankie.com
Heather: That's too funny. Spankie. Hee!
Omar: Spankie the wankie. With a hankie!
Heather: And the men said, "Thank ye!"
Omar: Please allow me to spunk thee... Oh man, that's funny...
Heather: Put it over your "oak tree"
Omar: It's so you will be "stain free!"
Heather: Spankie: "Don't make your genitals swing free."
Omar: "Dispose of quickly or it smells like brie."
Heather: "Let's get started. One... two... three."
Omar: "For the whole messy load, not just the pre-"
Heather: "Don't let your girlfriend see."
Omar: "Or she'll surely flee..."
Heather: "And change her 'lock,' outdating your 'key.' "
Omar: "Then she'll give flesh-sock to a guy named Rod-ney."
Heather: "Whose trouser-beef is about an inchie."
Omar: "And then the judge said, 'hear ye, hear ye...' "
Heather: "Listen here to my decree: There's nothing wrong with a spanking spree."
Omar: "Pee Wee Herman busts in and says, 'I do agree!' "
Heather: George Michael shouted, "I've had three!"
Omar: "Little Rascal Spanky McFarlane asks, 'what about me?' "
Omar: I was sharing some of these with my brother over IM... He said this, by accident: "sorry for the delay, but i had to go pee."
Yeah, we were bored.
So, out of the blue, I brought it up to Heather, and she revealed that she got a press kit from the company! Do you believe that?
Heather: It's sitting right here -- the kit, not the spankie. Oh, it's hilarious. Let me excerpt...
Omar: SHUT UP! You got a Spankie press kit!?!?!?
Heather: Omar, this is brilliant. Get ready:
Heather: "The Spankie is a sock-shaped sleeve designed for men to masturbate into... Spankie inventor Chad Lewis developed it when he accidentally used his girlfriend's sport sock as a receptacle for his solo sex exploits. An unpleasant moment followed when she returned home and put the now-dirty sock on. This was followed by an epiphany."
Heather: She. Put. The. Sock. On.
Heather: They call her Schmegfoot.
Omar: What's in the press kit? Like photos and stuff?
Heather: No, sadly. Just a history and a press release... but the company logo is a sperm wiggling into a bubble that has "Spankie" emblazoned on it. The head of the sperm is the dot in the 'i.'
Omar: I can't believe they sent you a press kit. That's like sending out press kits for dildos or strap-ons!
Heather: Well, spankie.com is an open forum for talk about sexuality, Omar. It's a public service.
Heather: But the greatest part.... the PR person''s last name is Whipple.
Heather: It doesn't say whether Chad's girlfriend forgave him.
Omar: Who cares, he's rich now. The irony is his product is so successful, he'll never have to use it again.
That's the spankie story. They should partner up with Kleenex. Have Kleenex-brand Individual Solo Wipes. If there's anybody from Kleenex reading this, e-mail me. We'll make millions, seriously.