This won't be very long because, I mean, damn. It's the hol-i-days! Chill, already! Go read a book or open some presents or something already. Get your ass offline for a little bit, 'kay?

Are we cool?

Good.

This weekend, I went home to Converse for a pre-holiday going home. Mostly it was so my dad, brother and I could wander the mall in search of the elusive MomGift that we always seem to be unable to find until Dec. 24. This year we found it at the end of Dec. 22, so we were way ahead of the game this time. But it was hilarious watching three grown men hunt for a gift together and not having a clue between the three of us. I think we amused the saleslady at the Origins bath/body store who helped us. Not to give anything away, but I think my dad is now addicted to salt scrubs.

The really funny thing that happened was we decided to pick up Popeye's chicken on the way home after a hard two hours of power shopping. We stopped in the drive-thru. We were the only ones there. I ordered a 10-piece order, all breasts, with sides and biscuits.

The very, very old-sounding woman on the intercom said, in all seriousness, this:

"Oh, huh, well, I'm sorry. I don't think I have 10 breasts."

We all exchanged a look in the car. To our credit, none of us laughed.

"I'm really sorry," I told the woman. And I meant it.

We pulled around and from what I could tell, the woman didn't have any breasts, much less 10. She ended up frying up a whole batch while we waited for about 15 minutes. In all that time, not a single other car pulled up to the drive-thru behind us. We waited and waited. My brother and I started watching the lady as she finally began pulling big fried pieces of chicken from wherever it is they become golden. She started piling them into a big square box.

I could tell right away something was going wrong. The stack she was piling was this high:

(Yes, I realize it's a KFC box. Thanks for noticing.)

But, the box she trying to fit all the chicken into was this big:

My brother and I watched, fascinated, as she tried to close the box, only to have this big mound of chicken almost puncture through it.

So she took two big pieces of chicken off the top and put them into another, small box.

And then she tried to get it to close. And the two pieces of chicken wouldn't fit in the smaller box!

We tried really, really hard not to laugh, but we'd just escaped from the mall and were just glad to be alive, so we laughed. Just a little. And I'm pretty sure she didn't see us.

 

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Yeah, a fried chicken story. Weren't expecting that, were you?

I wrote a review of Russell Crowe's A Beautiful Mind. It should be available on Christmas day, so if you get bored after all your holiday splendor, go read it here.

And the holidays are a good time to read the enchanting tale of Santos Clause, too.

So, have a Merry Christmas, folks. Stay safe.