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12/06/00
If you hate me, I won't even know it because I can't see that far...

I know. This is late. I've been shooting for every Monday, Wednesday and Friday early in the day, and instead I was finishing off my Third Watch recap last night (it should be up later today or early tomorrow) and beginning to feel the full crappiness that would only manifest itself today.

I think I'm getting sick. My stomach has been loopy, my head hurts, my bones and muscles feel very weak and my voice sounds like French Stewart's.

Sickness and me... well, we're not too familiar. I don't get sick that often. It's not some weird Unbreakable phenomenon, I just have a good immune system and I drink orange juice all the damn time. But I think I caught something because it kept me from sleeping well last night and I've felt oogey all day.

My eyes are usually the worst thing about being tired or sick. The few times I ever get hungover, I usually can't wear my contact lenses because the dehydration makes my eyes really sensitive and dry. I wear gas permeable hard contact lenses which I've gotten used to over the last 10 years or so. If you've never worn them before, imagine sticking a salad plate under your eyelid and being able to feel every time your eyelid has to bump into it and then work its way over that plate to close. You get used to it, but you never grow to like that feeling.

Today, my eyes are dried out, red and very unpleasant to look at. I suffer from allergies, too (oh, look, the ladies are lining up now!) and if I don't take allergy eye drops (Visine-A is good), I'm a complete mess.

Every time I feel this way, I keep asking myself why I don't go ahead and get Lasik surgery. Apart from the fact that I'm afraid to have the surface skin of my eyeball sliced off and pulled back, I would probably do it.

It's not really fear, though. I've had wisdom teeth taken out, and it can't be any worse than that. In fact, I've been told they don't even use anesthesia. They just numb your eyes and let you watch yourself being brutalized on the table. With a laser.

("No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to... regain your sight!")

It also costs a lot. Something like $1,750 per eye. I don't understand why they price it that way: "per eye." Because you want to get both of them done at the same time. Although I suppose I could eye-patch it for a few months until I worked up the rest of the funds.

Angi, one of my sister's best friends (not really my sister, but I call her that, as I've explained before), had it done in April and she's so incredibly pleased by the results. Most people I've talked to say the same. I mean, I don't know any hideously laser-mangled or blind Lasik victims, so maybe my opinion is skewed, but so far the testimonials have been promising.

I did a story a few months ago about a local doctor who started using a new FDA-approved laser that is more accurate than the old ones (which, I think, were held together with rubber bands and operated on steam). This new laser uses Star Wars missile defense technology, which means that it can actually track one out of every 10 eyes effectively. And nuke the crap out of them.

I've been thinking about this for a while now because I think I'll probably go through with it next year. I've been saving up some money and I can justify it because my eyesight is so bad. I've been wearing glasses or contacts since I was about six years old and for years, my vision just kept getting worse and worse. Thanks, puberty!

But it really is an inconvenience. All the contact lens solutions. Worrying about losing them. Going to a water park and having to be led by the hand just to find where the ride entrances are. Not being able to dive into a pool to save a drowning man without worrying about losing them. Itchy, watery eyes. The burning.

I've had such bad vision for so long, that I'm almost afraid of the massive change it would create in my life. When I was a teenager, kissing unattractive girls was never a problem: I could just take off my glasses. And putting on contacts is a good way of grossing out people -- I can also poke myself directly in the eye without even flinching.

But to be able to wake up in the morning without fumbling my hand on the dresser looking for glasses. Being able to roll my eyes without worrying that a stray contact lens will pop out of the eyeball. Not having red, irritated eyes all the time. That would be something.

Oh, I forgot to say -- in order for them to do laser surgery on your eye, they have to peel pack the top layer of eye-skin, and then shoot a laser all over your eye to reshape it. It takes about 10 minutes, and I'm told you can smell your eyeball being scorched by the laser. Then you go home, put on some drops, and within like a day, your vision is better.

Someone told me that if you read or use the computer a lot, they sometimes have to undercorrect your vision because otherwise it makes it hard for you, or books suddenly appear to be written in Sanskrit or something like that.

What annoys me is that my health insurance doesn't cover this at all. Hey, I'm blind, fuckers! Howabout a little respect? I mean, it's not like I'm asking to have my breasts enlarged or getting liposuction. This is my vision. The thing I use every minute of every day at work! I hate that they call it "cosmetic surgery." I guess that's one way I can justify the cost: I know for a fact I'll never have to pay for a breast enlargement or reduction. Or a collagen lip injection.

(Note to self: If I ever do need a breast reduction, please kill self first)

Has anybody else had this done? E-mail me and tell me if I should pursue this. Because I can't see, folks. Seriously. I'm touch-typing here.

Lots of response to the AmIHotorNot thing from last time. It seems that I have contributed to several more people getting addicted to that site. Sorry! There's a ton of other sites sprouting up just like it, but I won't give the URLs out — I respect your free time and wouldn't dream of helping you waste it.

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