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11/22/00
Turkeys are sexy, too...

It sounds like an elementary school class project and Stee has already done a very funny take on the idea, but I really honest to goodness have been thinking this week about things to be thankful for. Mostly it's because the holiday snuck up on me (what?!? This Thursday already!?!) and so I felt I had to make up for it somehow by really doing a little bit of soul searching.

Unfortunately the soul I found was John Lennon, and boy was he pissed! He said if I ever see Mark David Chapman, to tell him that he's got an ass whupping coming when he gets to the Afterlife. He's all yelling: "Imagine I'm shoving my sandals up your ass, Chapman! Imagine there's no escape!"

Okay, that's not really true. But I wish it were.

So here are the things I'm thankful for:

I'm thankful that Pauly Shore stopped making one bad movie a year. True, Adam Sandler has kind of taken over that role, but I can at least pretend that Adam Sandler has some talent and is only doing these movies for the paychecks.

I'm thankful that I have somewhere to go tomorrow and that I'll see family and friends when a lot of people I know aren't able to travel home this week.

I'm thankful that I work at a place where I have way too much freedom for someone my age and where I can choose to write the things I want to write.

I'm thankful that I met some amazing people online this year and that they continue to let me write for them and be a part of their online family.

I'm thankful that I have people like Pamie, Heather, Tracy, Greg and all of the MightyBigTV people who are real-life and online friends who make me laugh quite a lot.

I'm thankful that Rebecca puts up with me, even when I don't really deserve for her to.

Thankful that LCP has been so successful and that I continue to help be a part of that.

Thankful that the data recovery place was able to do a 100 percent recovery job on my crashed hard drive. I am not, however, thankful, that they want to charge $1,100 for it.

Thankful that I'm healthy and usually happy and that I don't have any crazy addictions or life-threatening hobbies.

I'm thankful that I know a lot of smart people so that if I ever go on Who Wants to be a Millionaire I will have sufficient lifelines.

I’m thankful that people take the time to read this site, especially people I don't know. It's humbling and cool and a little intimidating. I'm thankful I got it up and running this year, which was one of my big goals.

I'm thankful that people don't notice when I'm being less of a person that I should be. I'm thankful that people are patient and understanding, and that people who have been in my life for a long time continue to care and look out for me.

I'm thankful that if Bush has to win, at least he's only winning by a crazy, tiny hair of a margin and that people will remember that.

I'm thankful for breasts. All kinds of breasts. Chicken breasts, turkey breasts, breasts that you see walking around. Really, they're great.

I'm thankful that I finally found a kitty litter that actually works and now my home office doesn't smell like my cat Cosa's dung all the time.

I’m thankful that some friends and I are seeing Unbreakable tonight. I've really been looking forward to it.

Thankful that my brother P.J. and I are going to be spending an insane amount of time playing Playstation2 and Dreamcast games starting tomorrow.

I'm thankful that Melanie Griffith checked into drug rehab. She was getting really strung out.

Thankful that I found a turkey who was willing to do half a guest entry:

 

Long may you rest in piece, Fiona...

 

Hi, I'm Fiona. I'm a turkey.

I just wanted to talk about the things that I am thankful for this holiday season. (clears throat)

Ahem. I am thankful that I get to run around all day in the yard with all my friends and family and eat feed and make a lot of noise.

Oh, wait. I don't get to do that anymore because we've all been killed. That's right. Forgot.

Let me try again. I'm thankful that I am happy and healthy and have few worries. Oh, you know what? I am actually dead, cut up from the guts and sitting on your dining room table. Scratch that.

I am thankful that your country has a great tradition of committing genocide upon my species once a year. It just makes the year go round so much faster. I am thankful that you single out me and my buds as the centerpiece of your bloated little holiday. I am thankful that I will never see my little turkey children again after this week.

Okay, so maybe I don't have any children. That's not the point, all right?

I am thankful that Omar is letting me write to you on this day so that you'll have something to think about. But I know you won't think about it at all. You'll just wonder why the Dallas Cowboys suck this year and how many calories are in the entire jar of cranberries that you ate by yourself. Nice.

It's not so bad, though. I really like this adoration. People totally drool over me and I never get this kind of attention the rest of the year. If you're gonna get dismembered and eaten, it's not a bad way to go. Just ask Jeffrey Dahmer.

Some tips: I go really good with stuffing. I taste great with cranberries, as you know. My thigh is pretty juicy. So are my breasts. In short, I am a succulent bitch.

 

Gee. Um, thanks Fiona. Damn.

Have a good Thanksgiving. I'll see you all on Friday.

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