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Dating for humans...


It's been a while since we talked about love, and with good reason. If you read Terribly Happy's Guide to Love, Part One and Part Two, you know that finding love isn't easy. It's not even cheap. It may take a while to absorb these lessons and to apply them to your comically lonely singles lifestyle. In the meantime, rest assured that the creators of this guide have been using these lessons quite successfully in the interim, finding lots of happiness and nookie along the way.

What, you think we just give out this love advice for free without ever using it ourselves? Just who do you think you are, anyway? You've got a lot of nerve.

This time, assuming you've already completed the two earlier lessons and have already found an object for your disgusting affections, it's time to dive into dating. Like professional diving, dating can be extremely rewarding, although as yet there are no Olympic medals given for good dating. But to bring the metaphor back into play: Dating in shallow water can leave you with a broken neck.

Thus, to guide you through these perilous waters, we bring you:



Dating is, of course, the social custom of spending time with an individual with romantic intent in the hope that they will eventually pay half of your rent or let you pay half of theirs.

Shockingly, dating customs in some countries have no rent clause to speak of. We call these countries, "The Enemy."

In America and other God-fearing countries, dating is usually seen as a means to an end for not only rent, but also for sex. Some people even date with the purpose in mind of some day being happy in couplehood, getting married and having a family that fills their life with a sense of purpose and meaning.

That's probably not you, so we'll ignore them.

As we learned in previous lessons, there are two kinds of people: Assholes and Wusses. As you probably have already noticed, Assholes and Wusses freely date each other, oftentimes forming symbiotic relationships of Passive Aggressiveness and Outright Scary Agressiveness.

It can be challenging to know who to date. Should you find someone who shares your interests and can enjoy all that you have to offer? Should it be a mate who is fundamentally different and can complement your personality and lifestyle with their own fucked up beliefs and eating habits?

Our advice: Take the first person who's willing to put up with your shit. You'll thank us later.

When you have found the person you are interested in dating, the quest is on to get them to believe that a date with you would be an enjoyable experience.

This can be tricky because... well... I mean, look at you.

But rest assured, getting that first date can be as easy as just asking. In fact, that's just what you should do.


Date Acquisition Methodology ==>


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Gene had no problem being a one-armed bowler. He just wished it'd been the other arm.

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