We need to talk, baby.

Now, I know I've been hard to find lately. I know I haven't always been around when you needed me. Like this weekend. You were looking, and I wasn't here. You came over and there was nobody around. You kept getting all these messages about how you couldn't find my server.

I'm sorry, baby. Seriously. There was some shit going down, and it's got nothing to do with you. Honest. It's me. Not you. You didn't do anything wrong.

I just had some stuff to sort out. I had people starting some static. I had to take care of business.

But now I'm back. I'm all yours.

No, no, no, come back. I didn't mean to hurt you.

I'm ready to be the site you want me to be. I'm ready to make a committment.

I know you've heard this before. I know you have other options. I know on Wednesday, you could be getting it on with The Onion. That Onion is a funny motherfucker. You could get with that, I know. But, baby — The Onion's from Wisconsin. Are you sure you wanna hit that?

Look. I know how to do it for you. You know I make you laugh. You know sometimes, we have a little moment where I get sentimental and we talk and you think about the world sometimes. You know I can be goofy, too, and I know you like that.

I don't see nothin' wrong with a little bump 'n grind.

Gimme another chance. Let me freak with you, baby. You know you love how I do it to you. I know you get up Monday morning, and the first thing on your mind is clicking over here to see if I'm ready to treat you right.

I'm ready to move on from the past. Remember that one time you came over here, we started to get it on, and right in the middle of it, you went and did Pamie? Hey, that's okay, it's all right. I know you were curious. I know you wanted to experiment and try something a little different. I've never stopped you from checking other people out. In fact, I encouraged it. I even remember that time when you and I were going at it and out of nowhere you went to visit that punk-ass MSNBC.com. Hey, I forgive you. That's ancient history.

But, hey. I'm back now. I got my shit together. I'm all up in here. For you. No one else. I do it all for you.

And I want to hit you hard, baby. From the backside, if I can. Three times a week, at least. I'm come at you till you scream, baby. You won't be able to get enough. You'll be clickin' over here, five, six times a day just to get a taste of the TH.

It's okay. Don't be scared. I know it's a lot to handle.

And maybe you're doubful. You were all excited to get with me this last weekend and I wasn't around, I know. What? Why was my server down for a couple of days? You don't even need to bring that up. That happens to a lot of sites. Not just me. Damn, Allison's site was down too, but you didn't hear nobody holding it against her.

That hurts, baby.

But I don't care. You have to know that I plan to be up for a long time. You'll be able to hit it with me 24/7, my sweetness. You want Terribly Happy at 3 a.m.? Bring it on. I'm ready.

My domain is open for you. I'm ready for you to come in here and let you get my hits going till my referral log screams.

You hear me, baby?

Do something for me. It's not nasty, I promise. Just do this. See that scroll bar over there on the right? Run your mouse over it. Then, real slow, just scroll that thing up and down a little. Yeah. Like that. If you got a scroll wheel on your mouse, you know I want you rubbing that thing, too. Now faster. Scroll a little harder, baby. Yeah. Like that. Go on. Scroll that shit hard.

Oh, baby. You do it for me. You do.

You're gonna have to hit reload now.

I'm sorry, baby. We can do this again soon, I promise.

I'll be back.

I, uh... Gotta go now.

I'll check you out later.

Peace, baby.

You know I love you.