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02/14/01 (Page Two)
Craig lays the wisdom on your ass to see how high it'll bounce...

Look, first off, guys, women aren't always interested in seeing you bust your ass for them. Now this isn't what you grew up with. People are always talkin' how you gotta be persistent, you gotta win your way into her heart, you gotta sacrifice and be there for her and never let her love go.

Love, love me do Craig's got his eyes on you

Hey, they got laws for people like that. You don't wanna be a stalker. To quote Spike Lee, "Don't believe the hype."

So try this instead: Do as little as possible. Be aloof. If she's got a birthday or there's a holiday like today, you don't have to forget it entirely. But don't overwork it. How many times have you seen some poor-ass schmoe get dumped because he didn't give a girl enough space? He's all trying to be a good boyfriend, and his ass comes off like Dudley Do Right. Don't be in the Canadian Mounties. Your ass has got to be on the vice squad.

So where do you find a girl? Man, you can talk to girls anywhere. Like at the library, the health club, in the park.

Hahahahah. Man, I'm just fuckin' with ya. Girls don't want to talk to you there. Most of the girls that hang out in the park and the health club carry around pepper spray. You don't want to fuck with that.

Dude, you need to hit the bars. There needs to be some liquor involved. Because there's no way a girl's gonna accept your sorry ass first impression without a .10 blood alcohol level first.

When you see a girl you like, think about what she's wearing. Are her clothes all tight with body parts getting ready to fall out? That's the one. Your chances for success are inversely proportionate to the amount and looseness of her clothes. If her clothes are day-glo colors and her earings are bigger than her hands, you've just doubled your chances.

Walk up to her. If she's dancing, bob your head a little like you've been dancing all night and you're just bringing it down a level. Say something witty, but self deprecating, like, "Damn, girl, you're fine!" Or "I just want to buy you drinks 'till you about to throw up."

One of those, or a combination of the two will work. Just don't give up. It's a small bar. She probably ain't leaving any time soon, and she's not getting any soberer.

In the words of Montell Jordan, "This is how we do it..."

Once you've got her responding to you, don't talk too much. Just keep moving in on her and talking about how you like her eyes and her clothes and how all the other girls you see are skank nasty and she's the only girl with some elegance. Girls like that word. "Elegance." Practice it. Use it. "Girl, you got some ELEGANCE." Girls are like butter and that word is like a hot skillet.

By this time, she should be all hot and moist. Time to take her back to your place. This is where the exit ramp of Craig's advice unloads you off of traffic. If you don't know what to do here, I'm not sayin'. Just go with the flow, baby. Let human instincts take over.

So now you got a girl. She may not want to be around your punk ass after that first night. In fact, she might wake up screaming and crying because she finally got a good look at you in the light of day. Don't panic. This is common.

But if she sticks around and cooks a meal or two... Damn. that's a real woman. Hang on to that shit.

Now you gotta deal with having her girl shit all over your apartment and taking you to see fucking Richard Gere movies. Look, is she giving you a slice? Were you getting any action before this girl took pity on you? Okay, that's what I thought. Stop complaining. Like Bruce Hornsby said, man, "That's just the way it is."

As the relationship progresses, don't be nice to your girl's friends. Cuz next thing you know, she's gonna be all suspicious, thinking you're hittin' on them or having sex with them and whatnot. And when you do get caught having sex with one of them, she's gonna act like she knew what was going on all the time. Don't give her the chance. If her friend walks into the room when you're watching TV, just say something like, "Oh, hey, Janet. I see your ass is startin' to be a destination for Cuban refugees that fell off the boat." Your girl will get mad, but it'll make her feel more secure about your relationship.

A few years later, you might get married. You probably already have some kids all running around, snot everywhere. It's okay, man. Everybody's life ends eventually.

The thing is, you gotta keep that shit romantic. Spend a little money on your woman. Make her feel appreciated.

So on Valentine's Day when she's been cleaning diapers all day and her hair looks all ratty and nappy from being in the kitchen making soup for all those sick-ass kids, and you come home from work all tired from working some shit job to support all these leeches in your house. Do something nice for your girl.

Order a pizza. You can even cut it up into a heart shape after it gets there. Eat it by candlight, shit, I don't care. That's never gonna happen to me.

I'm Craig, motherfucker. I'm single, and I'm proud of that shit. Don't forget it. Girls love my ass.

I may be alone today, but it's by choice.

If you see some guy at home, crying, all lonely cuz he had to buy himself a heart-shaped box of cherry cordials, don't be feelin' sorry for him. Because that's not Craig!

As Shaggy would say, "Wasn't me."

Awwww, shit... I gotta go.

(Sniff.) Happy fucking Valentine's Day.

-- CRAIG

 

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