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If there's 2.6 billion things Craig loves, it's the ladies...
I have to
say this right off the bat, and this really pains me to admit it:
always so good with the ladies.
You can stop writing that e-mail saying you refuse to believe it. I'm
telling you the truth. At one time in my life, ladies didn't flock around
me like they were auditioning for a Jay-Z video. True, this was so long
ago, I can only remember it as a fuzzy, distant block of time in the far
past. But still, it's part of who I am. I wasn't always a pimp.
in fact, I tended to stay with one girlfriend for a really long time.
A lot of that was love, but I bet a little portion of it was I didn't
feel as suave as all the single guys around me. They seemed to always
be able to pick up on girls in bars, or meet somebody at a party and "hook
up." I didn't know how to hook up. And I needed help.
a guy in college named Craig. Craig was a guy's guy. He always seemed
to know just what to say to women and once in a while he'd offer us advice.
It usually went like this:
Blind Lemon Omie: Hey, Craig, I wanted to ask you a -- hey, what
are you doing?
Making a Tupperware bong. What's up?
Oh, well, there's this girl I've been seeing. And I know she likes hanging
out with me, but I don't know if she likes me as more than a friend
Dude, is she putting out?
Well, no. I mean --
Dump her, man. Like, now.
always good at putting things in perspective. Well, now it's Valentine's
Day and for as long as I remember, Valentine's Day always seems to go
wrong for me. My nastiest breakups have always happened right before the
holiday. This year may actually break that streak, but I won't know until
no authority on the holiday, I thought I'd track down Craig and ask him
to offer some advice for all the singles out there who are looking for
love and unsure how to get it. He was hesitant at first. He kept calling
my site, "Terribly Crappy." But eventually he came around. This
is what Craig looks like:
was from back in college. I hear he shaved the moustache and lost a little
bit of weight, but as you can see from his picture, he had no problems
attracting women of all races, creeds, body types, religions and sororital
affiliation. I mean, just look at him! He's an unstoppable lady-attracting
machine. He isn't human! He can't be reasoned with! He doesn't feel pain!
Don't even try to resist his manly paws.
here he is. Learn from the master:
fuckers. This is Craig.
to the motherfuckin' R-A-I-G!
right. Do like Stevie Nicks: Stand back, stand back.
I remember Omar from college. He had this big bushy stack of long hair
(I think he cut if off because of some job he had) and he would wear
silk shirts all the time, walkin' around he was a poet or some shit.
He always had a girlfriend. That limited his dating options, in my opinion,
but hey, what are you gonna do? I don't wanna say he was a pussy, but...
He wasn't the manliest of guys is all I'm saying. He wasn't no CRAIG.
he e-mails me all desperate and shit because he doesn't know what to
write about Valentine's Day. He goes all Foreigner on my ass: "Hey
Craig -- I wanna know what love is!"
as far as I'm concerned, there ain't been no real love since Joanie
Loved Chachi, alright? That was some real shit. Fonzie's all standin'
around, and Joanie didn't want Fonzie, she wanted Chachi. That's some
real love. You don't find that shit at the strip club. And don't think
I haven't tried.
that don't mean you can't hook up. Websters defines "hooking up,"
as, "the act of getting your jimmy hat on with some chick that's
all grateful that you bought her drinks all night and thinks you remind
her of the cousin she always thought was cute, but she couldn't have
him because he was her cousin and all." You don't believe me? You
can look that shit up yourself.
to paraphrase Aristotle, it is not merely enough just to hook up. You
gotta think about the future. Are you gonna call her a cab or drive
her ass home yourself? Sometimes it's early. She's gotta be at
work, or school, whatever, or she's gotta go feed her baby. What are
you gonna do? Do you even have cab money? To quote Limp Bizkit,
"Just think about it."
may not sound very romantic. I know you're all into the candy hearts
and the rose petals in your underwear today and all that frilly pussy
shit, but I'm just bein' real. That's all.
I know what you're askin' now. "Craig. Craig, you animal, yo Craig,
man. What's your secret? Do you love anybody? Do you gots romance in
yeah, bitch! I'm all about the romance. Check it out. I'll lay
out everything I know about pleasing the women that have been lucky
enough to cross my path. You ladies know who you are. You got totally
ass better go to the next page. That's where all my wisdom flows
out like a delicate bodily function...
wisdom from Craig...
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