I have pitched many ideas in these hallowed pages meant to make me rich. (Okay, one idea, but it was a good one.) Not that I'm all about the money because I'm not. I just think that if somebody would give me a million dollars for a brilliant idea that's going to make other people a billion dollars well, what's the harm in that? It's not like Im killing white baby African tigers or stealing medicine from elderly women. They're just ideas, right?
So here it is. The latest inspiration. It's a sitcom. It's topical. It's brassy. It's sassy. It's got a big bow on the top. Yvonne from Stiletto helped come up with it over Instant Messenger, so you know it's funky fresh:
It's SPACE MOVERS! Because in the future, when we all live in space, who's gonna move your stuff? What, are you gonna do it? Yeah, like you have any idea how to haul your couch through hyperspace and traverse the moons of Jupiter. And you probably don't even have the right currency to pass the asteroid belt toll booth. You're an idiot. Call the professionals. "Getting you from here to there has never taken fewer light years!"
SPACE MOVERS !
Really, though, this would be an indispensable service. And you'd need really reliable people, because this is a lot more involved that just chucking your stuff into a truck and driving it to El Paso. This is everything you own, up through the atmosphere, through pressurized environments, over vast distances and fighting nasty aliens. You think it's easy getting your futon from here to Mercury? Do you have any idea what the heat of the sun can do to your desk lamp? Well, you don't have to have any idea. Don't even pretend like you do. That's why you call
SPACE MOVERS !
The absolutely brilliant thing about this is that it's merely a premise for a sitcom, but when actual space travel becomes more commonplace, the research that went into creating this show can easily be applied to creating a real SPACE MOVERS!-style business. Then, people would hail Yvonne and I as visionaries, like Jules Verne, the writer who came up with the idea for roller skates like around 600 years before they were invented.
Our motto would be, "Getting you from here to a galaxy far, far away without having your stuff destroyed in the crushing vacuum of space."
The sitcom would star John Goodman as the owner of SPACE MOVERS! It would be similar to his short-lived role in Normal, Ohio, except instead of being gay, he's an alien. From Venus. And he's a woman. Because he's from Venus. But because of his special alien knowledge, he always knows the best way to move someone's household goods and he's developed all kinds of tricks for messing with gravity so as to lighten the load for his mover buddies. Every week, he and his team of movers meet with hilarious, fussy clients. Sometimes they find weird space stuff, like a transmuter ray in the attic or a big stash of space porn in the closet. It would always be hilarious, but some episodes would end on a slightly melancholy note. At the end of these episodes, Goodman would look back on the last room of the empty home, turn off the light, and say, "Another day, another space credit."
It would also star Téa Leoni as a brassy, sassy head mover who argues with John Goodman all the time. Here's the absolute comedic gold, though: She thinks he's a big male chauvinist, when in fact, he's an alien woman! And there's sexual tension between them, not because she's a woman and he's supposed to be a man, but because she's a lesbian and John Goodman's a woman! Can you totally see that? It's brilliant, I tell you! Masterful! Take that, Will and Grace! In your face, Ellen DeGenerate! This is true, ground-breaking TV!
Oh, and each week George Hamilton would make a cameo as the Alien Overlord who is a silent partner in the business and advises John Goodman on life, love and tanning.
The movers would be played by George Wendt, as the drinking buddy of John Goodman, who also finds himself strangely attracted to John for reasons he can't explain. (Can you imagine the hysterical hijinks with that interstellar love triangle?)
George Carlin would play a mystical space mover who wants to open a smoothie and marijuana shop on Neptune. David Faustino from Married, With Children would be a horny young mover who is only in the business because he believes he'll have an easier time finding space nookie than being rejected on Earth. And Tony Shaloub from Wings will be the wacky, scary ship pilot/handyman who gets them all into crazy adventures. And Dave Chappelle will play the black guy.
How can this concept lose?
I'm all about being generous. Even Fox can have it.
I hear what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Isn't this like that failed TV show, Homeboys from Outer Space?"
There are no homeboys.
And it's not in outer space, it's set in all of space. Inner, outer, in the middle, on Earth. All over the place. And it won't get cancelled like Homeboys, got that?
Scott Sassa, are you listening?
This is total Must See TV.