Heston's Daily Planner and To Do List
7:00 a.m. Toast.
7:15 a.m. Toast.
7:30 a.m. Toast.
7:45 a.m. Call Mort at the studio. Ask him why the fuck we haven't started pre-production on that Apes movie yet.
7:50 a.m. Reload all rifles.
7:53 a.m. Empty out rifles.
7:55 a.m. Reload rifles. Empty and reload and empty again.
8:00 a.m. Toast. Can only finish half for some reason.
8:30 a.m. Secret In-House NRA Meeting in den with Secretary Raggedy Andy and Treasurer Pop'n Fresh.
9:00 a.m. End meeting in a rage. Overturn table angrily and announce, "You goddamn sons of bitches are plotting against me!"
9:05 a.m. Reload rifles. Shoot Secretary and Treasurer of In-House NRA organization.
9:10 a.m. Secretary Bert, Treasurer Ernie sworn in as new NRA officers.
9:11 a.m. Unable to sign own name on new officers' membership cards. Call maid for help.
9:15 a.m. Shoot maid.
9:20 a.m. Ask dead maid for toast. Shoot her again for being uncooperative bitch.
9:30 a.m.-11:00 a.m. Nap.
11:15 a.m. Speech or something at Kiwanis Club. Clothes required this time.
11:45 a.m. Shoot Kiwanis Club.
11:50 a.m. Seek out toast. If unavailable, try muffins.
12:00 noon Due on the set of Ten Commandments.
12:20 p.m. "What do you mean there's no Ten Commandments set you little bastard? Do you know who the fuck I am?"
12:21 p.m. Reload rifle.
12:30 p.m. Sweet talk studio security guard. Slip him $100 to take care of the body.
12:45-2 p.m. In-car nap.
2:01 p.m. Wake up. Take submarine to 10,000 leagues below.
2:02 p.m. "I said 10,000 leagues, goddammit!"
2:08 p.m. It's just a car.
2:10 p.m. "Take this car to 10,000 leagues below, goddammit!"
2:15 p.m. Cower.
2:18 p.m. Cry.
2:20 p.m. "Please? 10,000 leagues?"
2:25 p.m. Wander out of submarine/car. Take rifle.
2:30 p.m. Donut shop.
2:45 p.m. Fight with insolent donut shop register jockey.
2:48 p.m. "Do you know who the fuck I am? No? Well... aw, dammit."
3 p.m. Nice police officer, ride home.
3:05 p.m. Admire the cold black steel of officer's sidearm.
3:06 p.m. Horrible misunderstanding.
3:15 p.m. Awkward autograph signing for embarrassed officer.
3:30-6 p.m. Nap.
6:15 p.m. Can't find toast. World not worth living in.
6:30 p.m. Elaborate plan to kill self with elephant rifle.
6:35 p.m. Trouble reaching trigger. Big toe too big to fit in there.
6:45 p.m. Deep, racking sobs.
6:50 p.m. Ineffective masturabation.
6:53 p.m. Deeper, racking sobs.
6:59 p.m. Prank call Reagan
7:00 p.m. Prank call not funny at all. Is this what prank calling me will be like in a few years?
7:10 p.m. Daily gruesome spectral image of children killed by parents' handguns floats over living room. Is it past 7 already?
7:15 p.m. "What's a guy gotta do to get some goddamned toast around here, goddammit? Get up, you stupid maid!"
7:30 p.m. The Facts of Life on TV Land. That Tootie's a real sparkplug.
7:46 p.m. Successful masturbation to image of bending over of Mrs. Garrett.
7:49 p.m. Throw remote control at television in sweet release.
7:52-8:50 p.m. Nap.
8:55 p.m. Wet nurse.
9:00 p.m. "Sponge me, you cunt!"
9:05 p.m. Tub urination. Wet nurse not amused, even within urination's puppet show context.
9:10 p.m. Remember briefly who, where, what I am.
9:11 p.m. That memory passes.
9:15 p.m. Reload bathroom cabinet AK-47. Polish with two-ply Charmin.
9:30 p.m. Work on memoirs. Type: "And Max yelled 'Cut' for the last time. I knew I'd never work with that cheap son of a bitch Jew ever again," but substituting non-sensical strings of numbers for actual words.
9:44 p.m. Dog biscuit? Why the fuck not.
10 p.m. Bed. What room is that?
10:25 p.m. Fuck it. Hallway floor is fine.
Hey, look at this! Stuff to buy! Haaawwwt-Damn!
This Fall on Fox: They're cops. They're crustaceons. And they're cool as ice. Coming soon: "Crabtree & Pincer"