7/17/02
The
R. will soon stand for "Rectumfied"...
From the mailbag of R. Kelly...
Dear Mr. Kelly,
Hi. My name is Kelly. I guess that's kind of funny because if we ever got married, my name would be Kelly Kelly. But, that's not why I'm writing, Mr. Kelly. Can I just call you R.? Okay, R., here's the deal. I'm 13 years old and I live in Detroit. I read a story about how you did some stuff to a girl around my age and then you peed on her and now her family lives in a big castle in Europe with million of dollars and that she gets to ride a pony all the time and have butlers and stuff.
Would you do that stuff to me? I know it involves getting naked and stuff, and it doesn't sound like that much fun, but my family is really poor and we could sure use a castle in England. I haven't asked my parents if it's okay yet, but I'm sure they'll say yes since they're always yelling and arguing about money and stuff.
The "R." in question.I'm not as pretty as that singer Aaliyah that you married when she was 15, but I sorta hit puberty already. I hope that doesn't mean I'm too old for you. Anyways, a friend of mine saw a video that you did on the Internet with that one girl that lives in Europe now and he said I'm way prettier than her.
So how about it? I sure would like to be rich. Please write me back. I was just kidding about the Kelly Kelly thing. You don't have to marry me. Just make sure you pay my parents when you're done with me. I can't wait to live in a castle!
Thanks!
Kelly
Dear Mr. Kelly
Thank you for agreeing to appear at the Teen Beat Entertainers Awards this year on such short notice! As I'm sure you're aware, our readers, who range in age from about 12 to 16, are huge fans of your work, and you'll have ample opportunity to meet and greet many of them at a private pre-show reception that a select few of our readers won a contest to attend!
We understand you'll be performing your songs, "Bump and Grind," and "Hump Bounce." We love anything sports related and we'll make sure to project footage of skateboarders behind you on the jumbo screen to go along with your songs. We're sure the kids will love it.
I hesitate to ask given your busy schedule, but would it be out line to ask that you stick around after the show to sign autographs and perhaps get to know some of the kids from the contest? Some of them are coming from as far away as New York, Florida and Texas, and won't be flying back until the next morning. Any time you could make for them, whether at the awards show or back at the hotel where all of you will be staying, would be much appreciated.
Looking forward to working with you!
Leslie Downs,
Morgan Beau Publicity
Los Angeles Bureau
Dear Mr. Kelly
I got a daughter about the age of them girls you've been diddlin', and seein' as how she's going around having sex with all these pimply teenaged boys already, I figure I might as well cash in.
Whaddaya say? She's 15, the boys seem to like her and she's been listenin' to your music since you did that song with Bugs Bunny for that Michael Jordan movie. I'll trade her to you for a Bentley and a couple of cartons of Benson & Hedges.
Call me. We'll work something out, fella.
Gus Trainor
Charleston, S.C.
Dear R. Kelly Pedophile Fuckface,
What you have done is disgusting and wrong. I hope you rot in Hell, you bastard! It's unnatural and sick. I'm going to organize a boycott of your music and hope you never make another dime again!
Hating you,
Randy Stockwell
Chapter President,
North American Man/Boy Love Association. (NAMBLA),
Key West, Fla.
Dear R. K.,
Remember when we did that song that was gonna be on my next album? Yeah. Fuck that shit.
Dr. Muthafuckin' Dre
R. Kelly,
I'm your biggest fan. I've been listening to your stuff since you first hit the scene, and I have all your albums, even that one you just did with Jay-Z.
I can't wait to meet you, man. I can tell we're gonna be tight, man. And don't sweat that that legal shit that's going down, man. Don't even worry about beating that rap. Everybody around here knows what that's like, and ain't nobody gonna judge you when you get here. In fact, you're gonna make friends real fast. You'll see. I guarantee, it R., all that stuff you did in those videos is gonna seem like some tame shit to you after a while.
I got your back. No, seriously. I'm gonna have that back.
See you soon.
Kisses,
Floyd Montopf
#3327, Lincoln Correctional Center Cell Block G.
Lincoln, Ill.
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Hey, look at this! Stuff to buy! Haaawwwt-Damn!
Clip
Art Corner
"Don't take this the wrong way, Mark, but I'm beginning to think you don't want to find actual hobbits."