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Kuatolingus ...


A few words from Kuato:

Hello, humans.

I am worried for you. I have seen your future. And it is much more of this.

Children of Earth. Have you learned nothing of your own flesh? Don't you know that if you continue to travel along this path, it will be mass inequity and a tyranny of division between the fragile state of communion between your sexes?

Don't you realize, silly male humans, that providing a woman of your species cunnilingus is just as cool as getting a blowjob?

Hello. I'm Kuato. You might remember me from the film "Total Recall" in which I played the all-knowing, all-seeing man-baby with tiny limbs who lives in that one guy's torso and can tell the future to Arnold Schwarzennegger.

Well, in real life, I'm an actor by trade, but a spokesman for causes I strongly believe in in my spare time.

And brother -- this is a cause I really believe in.

Why? Because a generation of young men is growing up believing it's "cool" and "hip" and "feels fucking amazing" to get blowjobs from teenage girls. Nothing could be further the truth.

Blowjobs aren't "cool." They're, in fact, really hot. But aside from that, you kids are forgetting that the best thing about being in a relationship is giving. Not getting, many times, in between classes from several girls in a short period of time, in videotaped trysts that you later sell on Ebay.

Trust me, kids. The older you get, the more important it will be to learn that most lost of all arts, the cunning linguistics of pleasuring a woman orally.

I mean, look at me:

Yes, the ladies like me, and they dig on my movie star status, but sometimes not all women are impressed by that. You know that singer Shania Twain? I showed her the veins in my tiny squat head and you know? Didn't impress her. Not much at all.

I'm not the tallest guy in the world. I don't drive a fast car. But based on the fact that I'm located in a guy's torso, I know of which I speak. I'm in a perfect place to give a woman pleasure with my tiny gummy mouth and gimpy, rotted hands.

You think I'm joking? Ask me what I'm doing Saturday night. Just ask.

What am I doing Saturday night? Giving some lucky lady head. All of it. My whole head.

So kids, remember. Cunnilingus is cool. Blowjobs are so last semester.

Take one for the team and learn to spell the alphabet with your tongue, whether you have a normal one or a sharp little phlegmy forked one like I do.

And remember -- Kuato loves you.

Now go make some girl's lunch hour.


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Carol would give up and put many of her dreams on the shelf during her lifetime. Except one: Playing the skin flute in a nude marching band.

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