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12/22/00 (The story of Santos Claus, Page 2)

he truth was, Eddie wasn't really sure what he should do. But when Mrs. Claus tried to seduce Eddie while Santa Claus was having his nightly sponge bath (the elves do it, and it's really not worth going into), Eddie had an idea. He decided he needed to cut through the clutter of commercialism and reconnect with the kids in the barrio he grew up with. Santa didn't need to be about just toys and cookies. He could be about standing up to The Man and getting out of the North Pole to be closer to La Raza -- like maybe Monterrey or Los Angeles.

As he left the desperate Mrs. Claus behind to cling to her dark sexual fantasies, Eddie had a multitude of thoughts rolling in his head. He'd take Juan and Chato and start his own outfit. Mrs. Claus cried out, "What about me?" to which the outspoken Chato replied, "You can come be my bitch..."

Of course, this was not be. What really happened was that Eddie and his chaparitos moved to a casita in the barrio on East 11th Street in Austin. There, they worked tirelessly for the next year, planning and working to make toys for all the good Raza boys and girls. Before they knew it, it was Christmas Eve and time for Santos to take his first Christmas ride!

He boarded the customized '96 Impala and made his first stop, to the home of Jaime and Maria. They greeted him with surprise and confusion.

JAIME: Are you Santa?

EDDIE SANTOS:: No, kids. I'm Santos Claus.

MARIA: Who?

EDDIE SANTOS: I'm the Latino Santa Claus. I've come to bring you toys and remind you of your roots.

MARIA: How come you didn't come down the chimney?

EDDIE SANTOS:: Aw, kids, if I were to slip and fall and die my family might get talked into filing a lawsuit against your family by some pushy lawyer who advertises on Galavision. And we don't want that do we?

MARIA AND JAIME: No, Santos Claus!

JAIME: Santos, do you want some cookies and milk?

EDDIE SANTOS:: Thanks kids, pero how about next year, you leave me some barbacoa, some tamales, maybe a little Tecate? Santos loves Tecate.

JAIME: What did you bring us?

EDDIE SANTOS: What did you ask for?

MARIA: I wanted a Barbie!

EDDIE SANTOS:: Aw, Maria, don't you understand the toymakers want you to believe that you have to be blonde, tall and skinny to have a good life? You're a Latina, mija. Be proud. I brought you a Jennifer Lopez doll, complete with a big poseable Puerto Rican ass.

MARIA: Yay Santos Claus!

JAIME: What about me, Santos? I asked Santa for a bike so I can ride away when the big kids pick on me!

EDDIE SANTOS:: A bike? Jaime, you've been really good this year. I brought you a miniature Harley. It's parked outside. And I've also enrolled you in the local Vatos Cabrones motorcycle club. Nobody will mess with you after that.

JAIME: Yay Santos!

But just at that moment, just as Eddie was beginning to feel he was going to have a great night, Santa Claus came bustling down the chimney. He emerged from the fireplace ruddy and flustered, delayed by his wife's insistence that he satisfy her before he left.

MARIA AND JAIME: Santa!

SANTA CLAUS: Ho, ho -- what the fuck!!?! Eddie, what are you doing here?

EDDIE SANTOS: I'm no longer Eddie. I'm SANTOS CLAUS! The Latino Santa Claus.

SANTA CLAUS: Eddie, we can't have this! There can't be multiple Santa Clauses running around!

EDDIE SANTOS: Oh, I disagree. In fact, I'm not the only one. Kwanzaa Claus has already started passing out gifts in Harlem tonight. Saint Achmed has delivered toys to half the Middle East already. And in San Francisco, Santa Wong is scouring Chinatown, delivering toys to all the good Asian boys and girls. Santa, you've been up in the North Pole for too long enjoying the good life for too long while hardworking ethnic children have been short-shrifted in the gift department. Times are changing.

SANTA CLAUS: Why you ungrateful son of a bitch. I'll kill you! You hear me? I'll kick your chimichanga ass all the way to Mexico City!

EDDIE SANTOS: I won't fight you, old man. You're already defeated.

SANTA CLAUS: (desperately) But you still love me, don't you kids?

Maria and Jaime look to EDDIE. He leans down and whispers something in their ear.

MARIA: No, Santa. You've oppressed us for too long.

JAIME: And you're a (slowly) punk... ass... bitch!

SANTA CLAUS: What? Why you snot-nosed little shit for brainsÉ

At that moment, Santa rushed at the kids, but just as he was about to take off a glove and slap the children with all his weighty might, Chato and Juan the elves rushed in and restrained him. They each pulled a orange-holding sock from their well-endowed front packaged within their tights and began to beat Santa, kicking and punching him as he screamed obscenities.

On that special night, as Santa Claus got the chingones beat out of him by a bunch of chaparitos, the Legend of Santos Claus was born.

Merry Christmas! Feliz Navidad! From Santos Claus and his chaparito avengers.

Back to Page One of The Story of Santos Claus

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