Sometimes I'm not very smart.

Like the time I left the gas cap on the trunk of the car when I was putting gas into my parents' car and then we drove off.

Not that smart.

Or when I ghostwrote the script for Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace. Not my best work, I can now freely admit.

So here I thought doing a little contest to give some Terribly Happy toys away might be quick and easy.

I don't know if you've ever tried to manipulate, copy or try to do anything with a Netscape Communicator addressbook. But it's like trying to dry hump the side of a boat. With barnacles on it.

Somebody nice offered to program something that would randomly select a winner from my notify list. It was a great offer, but the week got away from me and I didn't have time to seperate my address book entries from my notify list entries to do that. So, at midnight last night, I printed out my notify list (after a struggle to even get that to a place where I could print it) and cut each name one by one on little strips of paper. Those strips of paper went into the straw Uncle Pepe sombrero.

Then I had to call Price Waterhouse to come verify the results. This annoyingly anal guy named Higgins knocked on my door. They have a 24-hour emergency contest result hotline and they'll send one of their independent ballot consultants over to make sure it's all legit. Higgins asked if had any mineral water and I almost had to kick his ass out of my house.

Cosa wanted to get in on the action, so she started nosing around the official Terribly Happy Contest Hat.

 

 

Higgins had brought along a contest kit that included a pair of rubber gloves and some Price Waterhouse Ballot Selection Tongs. We performed a contest chant, he swore me in as a Temporary Price Waterhouse Balloteer, showed me the secret handshake, then handed me the tongs.

"Kee par, ferub placa fonta bisch," Higgins said, solemnly.

Did I mention that Higgins doesn't really speak with real words? He works primarily in gestures and through the use of his tongs.

I took the sacred tongs. Cosa got in the way a little and tried to interrupt the proceedings. Higgins gestured that this was perfectly normal: mountain lions and goats routinely disrupt ballot counting at the Oscars, he explained through a dance.

So we selected the winners:

 

 

The winners, as selected by the Official Price Waterhouse Paper Sliver And Tong Method are Deb from Freakgirl.com and B.S. Heywood from Bounded in a Nutshell. And, no, you didn't have to have a Web site to win this contest. Those were just the names that happened to get drawn. It was the luck of the tongs, as they say.

They'll receive a little Terribly Happy care package of some select items from the store.

So for the rest of you (I hate to use the word "losers," but you know, if the straw contest hat fits...), now's the perfect time to buy your own stuff at the Terribly Happy Moichandise Shop. Because you sure as shit aren't getting it for free.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go make some hot cocoa for Higgins. He was so tired from all that contesting that he ended up sleeping on the futon. He's making some dolphin-like noises and flapping his elbows. I think that means he'd like some toast, too.