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Crass consumerism ...


It's no secret that since the beginning of Terribly Happy, the goal was clear:

To sell a bunch of stuff and get rich.

Sure, I came a little late to the e-commerce game, but there are still millions of dollars to be made! I'm sure of it! Potential investors, are you listening?

You see, it costs a lot to keep this site running. I have to pay Murray in accounting. My secretary expects to be paid every Friday. The union is always breathing down my neck, wondering why this site can't be updated daily so the teamsters can be paid more often.

And we were almost acquired this year! That rat bastard Rob tried to initiate a hostile takeover! I mean, yeah, he's funny and cool and all, but I don't want a new corporate boss! This site is family owned. We have a long, proud tradition.

So in order to survive, Terribly Happy had to adapt.

I'm offering, for the first time, Official Terribly Happy Products. Click it. Go ahead.

This could be me next year.

I was even able to convince world-famous Supermodel Pattí to model everything. She was very fun to work with, although she continually demanded I bring her all kinds of imported waters and balms for her skin rashes.

It's been a rough transition. I'd love nothing more than to continue providing morsels of comedic nutrition for years to come. But the simple truth is that if I continue to do that for free, with no merchandising tie-ins, I'll end up homeless and diseased, updating this journal from some street corner in between setting up crystal meth deals with Austin sorority girls.

And nobody wants that.

So check out the new toys. Buy a bunch of stuff.

Make me rich.

I'll remember you when I'm kickin' it in my newly owned casino and hotel.


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